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GRACE
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I'm really struggling here.
I have a battle going on in my mind.
I know God rains on the just and on the unjust...BUT...

Let's just say I'm having a very hard time processing right now after yet another week of miraculous timing and providential provision.
Our involuntary family separation is not over.
The debt is still huge.
But why is this trial or discipline, or whatever it is, being cushioned like this?

I have never believed GRACE to mean only 'God's unmerited favor'.
It was once explained to me as God's gas to keep me in the race.
At another time it was God's help in overcoming temptation.
More recently it was the divine influence on the heart to accomplish God's will in the life.

But favor? ...simply favor? ...like giving ice cream to a child who burned his mouth helping himself to someone else's hot coffee. I wouldn't think of it.

I've always tried to be a good Christian...ever since I was nine years old.

For most of my life, I felt I was in a balancing act between learning lessons through punishments from God and Him rewarding my acceptance of His correction or obedience with times of a break from trials.

But, since Christmas, I have found myself on the receiving end of a major overload of what some call grace and others call mercy... probably depending on how one views or judges our situation.
We are not involved in ministries and we have not been able to give in months. We are not members anywhere. Yet we have been called 'family' by the greater church body in four locations!  And the provision, miracles, and demonstrations of love to my family have not ceased. In fact, they have increased.

It's like this.
We found ourselves in dire need. Did we bring it on ourselves or was it the way the dice roll?
Friends and family had various opinions on the answer to that question.
I didn't know... I just prayed for relief and direction.
At Christmas, God provided a week of awesomeness. It was totally unexpected.
I gave God the glory and a public testimony of thanksgiving.
But I was convinced that we were undeserving. We had likely moved when God wanted us to stand still...maybe that was the reason for this trial. I had many restless nights mulling over many questions and praying for answers.

Maybe God heard some sincere prayers... 'the prayers of the righteous avail much.' ...but I prepared myself to endure continuing difficult consequences.
I felt like a child being allowed to get a drink during time out but having to return to time out.

So now I am overwhelmed with the underserved favor we have received.
Is this...is this grace? The more we have received, the more conscience I am of our unworthiness.

But the blessings, miracles, and provision have continued to this day.
Several times I wanted to cry, but I found myself rather in a state of shock and disbelief...yes, disbelief.
Then the tears finally came...on Saturday...with yet another outpouring of blessing.

It has come to this...
I had resigned that we should suffer because we had evidently 'made our bed' and needed to sleep in it. 
Ok... maybe we are and maybe it's just a trial. A husband and wife living eight hours apart is not exactly a picnic...especially with eight children at home.

But why is God making all this bearable with extravagant gifts and expressions of love toward us?  It's like a child being told to stand in the corner and then having the father come up behind and wrap the child in a warm embrace...kiss their head...and offer them a stool to sit on.

I just can't process this.

Someone said it was GRACE.

But if I were to change my personal beliefs about grace, that would also affect my beliefs concerning salvation and faith.

I am humbled. 
What is God doing?
Why would He show such favor to us in the midst of this trial or discipline or whatever it is?
I just don't know.

Processing...
Just processing.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God..."  (Ephesians 2:8 NASB)

"For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning." (Psalms 30:5 NASB)