The other day, I was 'leaning' on the Lord (I say 'leaning' because my heart was too overwhelmed to turn words into prayer).
I felt that God was asking me,
"Gidget, what do you want?"

I hesitated to consider that it WAS God at all... except that my whole self was 'leaning' on Him and my mind searching for Him at the moment that this question came so clearly to my troubled mind.

I struggled to formulate any kind of answer.
Can a person stutter in prayer?
I did.
My only coherent prayer was something like, "Lord, you know me better than I know myself. Do with me what you will, because your way is the best way."

But I still felt that God wanted ALL of my cares and thoughts put before Him, so I rambled in prayer for quite some time.
I think God did not want me apathetic about what was transpiring in my life. Neither did He want me to just marinate in the things I found painful or overwhelming in the guise of 'waiting on the Lord'.
I believe God wanted me to clear things up in my head and then purposefully lay those things before Him.

Long ago, I had ceased playing the game of following human logic and common sense in the name of Christ... no matter how much pressure I received from other 'Christians'.

I believe 'logic', operating apart from the Holy Spirit in a person who claims to be 'Christian', is essentially 'religious sensuality'. Just saying...

If human logic, apart from God, is one extreme I avoid, the other extreme is choosing to suffer 'mindlessly'. In other words, resigning myself to a 'victimized' disposition.

There are several 'not-so-evil-sounding' types of people listed in the Amplified version of Revelation 21:8 who will have "their part in the lake that blazes with fire and brimstone ...the second death."

"the cowards"
"the cravenly lacking in courage"
"the cowardly submissive"
"the unbelieving and faithless"

...something I am pondering.

Another thought...
Jesus said there were ten virgins...spiritual 'VIRGINS', to five of whom He said, "I never knew you" (Matthew 25:1-13).
Jesus also warned us that there would be people doing things for God, BIG things like miracles in His name... people who don't abide by God's revealed will but do great things FOR God, to whom He will also say, "I never knew you" (Matthew 7:22-24).
Some thoughts to seriously consider if we bear the name 'Christian', right?

A 'Christian' without a relationship is no true Christian at all. And 1 Corinthians 13 talks about those who even suffer, without God's love in them, being 'nothing'. So I have concluded for myself, that to choose a victimized disposition, whether attributing suffering to God or other people or circumstances, is too awfully close to "cravenly lacking in courage" for my comfort. I won't do it.

I have also come to realize that the 'belief' that God knows all things (my needs, desires, pain, etc... ) is NOT prayer. God wants a relationship, not just acknowledgment of Who He is.

When I am completely overwhelmed (like recently), I DO take comfort in Romans 8:26 that says,
"So too the [Holy] Spirit comes to our aid and bears us up in our weakness; for we do not know what prayer to offer nor how to offer it worthily as we ought, but the Spirit Himself goes to meet our supplication and pleads in our behalf with unspeakable yearnings and groanings too deep for utterance."
I believe He has done this many times for me.

But this week, it seems that God is gently prodding and enabling me to form my emotions into words and lay them before Him to the end that I cease to...
"... fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God... fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is..."
(Philippians 4:6, 7)

The same day in which I had found myself wondering if it was God who had placed the 'What do you want' thought in my foggy mind, I opened my devotional and found the following title and accompanying devotional thought staring up at me...

"What Do You Want The Lord To Do For You?" (uncanny huh?)
"...Is there something in your life that not only disturbs you, but makes you a disturbance to others?
If so, it is always something you cannot handle yourself.
“Then those who went before warned him that he should be quiet; but he cried out all the more . . .” (Luke18:39).
Be persistent with your disturbance until you get face to face with the Lord Himself. Don’t deify common sense. To sit calmly by, instead of creating a disturbance, serves only to deify our common sense. When Jesus asks what we want Him to do for us about the incredible problem that is confronting us, remember that He doesn’t work in commonsense ways, but only in supernatural ways..."

I know this was a man-authored devotional, but it did make me think.
And I did not feel that I could fully grasp the meaning behind all the words, but at least it seemed conformation to me that the Lord was indeed speaking to me.
After all, Jesus Himself had asked a man that same question that had come to my mind,
"What do you want Me to do for you?"
(Luke 18:41)

Even the next devotional I read, by a completely different author, brought me to this same point.

"...Jesus desires that we shall be definite in our requests, and that we shall ask for some special thing. "What will ye that I shall do unto you?" is the question that He asks of every one who in affliction and trial comes to Him. Make your requests with definite earnestness if you would have definite answers. Aimlessness in prayer accounts for so many seemingly unanswered prayers. Be definite in your petition..."

I DO know what I want.
I want to be God's ideal of a mother and wife. I want to be a tool of blessing in the hand of God to Michael Hawley. And my heart longs for Michael as it did the day I asked God to allow me to be his wife.

But what happens when a body and mind get tired, sick, or discouraged?
What is one to do when the body won't cooperate with the will of the mind?
What if one's emotions overflow the barriers one has set up?

I know what I DID do as the flood overwhelmed me.
I pled for mercy.
I opened my heart plainly.
I was no longer silently 'being brave'.
I did not timidly 'beat around the bush'.
However, I was immediately flooded with guilt and shame for what felt to me like failure and weakness.
I gave THAT to God too.

Back in prayer and private devotions this morning, I read again the devotional I had left open from the day before.

"...Be persistent with your disturbance until you get face to face with the Lord Himself. Don’t deify common sense. To sit calmly by, instead of creating a disturbance, serves only to deify our common sense..."

Ok.
So, I'll forgive myself the 'weakness' of creating a disturbance.
But I know where I am yet failing,
'joyful contendedness'.

I prefer reading large quantities of Scripture to devotional readings about Scripture, but this particular morning I had chosen to catch up on a devotional reading plan I had started and I came to this,

"...Paul said he considered his life dear so that he might fulfill the ministry he had received, and he refused to use his energy on anything else.
This verse shows an almost noble annoyance by Paul at being asked to consider himself. He was absolutely indifferent to any consideration other than that of fulfilling the ministry he had received.
Our ordinary and reasonable service to God may actually compete against our total surrender to Him.
Our reasonable work is based on the following argument which we say to ourselves, “Remember how useful you are here, and think how much value you would be in that particular type of work.”
That attitude chooses our own judgment, instead of Jesus Christ, to be our guide as to where we should go and where we could be used the most. Never consider whether or not you are of use—but always consider that “you are not your own” (1 Corinthians 6:19). You are His."

Yes.
My unconditional ministry IS as a wife and mother (I will never question that)...
...I HAVE given myself away, to God AND to my husband...
...I MUST continue to set aside personal judgement and logical human sense and abandon myself entirely to God.

Reading the verse to go along with this morning's devotional in Acts 20:24...

"But none of these things move me; neither do I esteem my life dear to myself, if only I may finish my course with JOY and the ministry which I have obtained from the Lord Jesus, faithfully to attest to the good news of God's grace."

JOY has not yet gained victory over heaviness at this point in the race.
And I HAVE been moved.
Yes, indeed.
My emotional dam DID crumble.
Am I defeated?

I choose to believe I am not.
I WILL tackle the next thing...with gratitude and conscious definite petition.
I will leave my weaknesses and failures before God.
I have not chosen an easy road nor a pathway of intentional sin.
The Lord knows my heart.

"As a father loves and pities his children, so the Lord loves and pities those who fear Him [with reverence, worship, and awe]. For He knows our frame, He [earnestly] remembers and imprints [on His heart] that we are dust."
(Psalm 103:13-14)

"For a righteous man falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked are overthrown by calamity."
(Proverbs 24:16)

"If we are faithless, He remains faithful..."
(2 Timothy 2:13)

"No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it...
Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Give no offense... also please all men in all things, not seeking my own profit but the profit of the many, so that they may be saved."
(1 Corinthians 10:13, 31-33)

"Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass."
(1 Thessalonians 5:24)

I MUST rest in this, because my will sure isn't strong enough.

"...the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one."
(2 Thessalonians 3:3)

And so I pray,
"Lord, please forgive me where have I yielded to the weakness of my own flesh and strengthen me once again to do your will."

"For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."
(Philippians 2:13)

"...without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world..."

"I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus...
However, let us keep living by that same standard to which we have attained."
(Philippians 3:13-16)

As for those who would have me seek comfort, logic, etc...

"For these are rebellious people – they are lying children, children unwilling to obey the Lord ’s law. They say to the visionaries, “See no more visions!” and to the seers, “Don’t relate messages to us about what is right! Tell us nice things, relate deceptive messages. Turn aside from the way, stray off the path. Remove from our presence the Holy One of Israel.” For this reason this is what the Holy One of Israel says: “You have rejected this message; you trust instead in your ability to oppress and trick, and rely on that kind of behavior. So this sin will become your downfall. You will be like a high wall that bulges and cracks and is ready to collapse; it crumbles suddenly, in a flash...
For this is what the master, the Lord , the Holy One of Israel says: “If you repented and patiently waited for me, you would be delivered; if you calmly trusted in me you would find strength, but you are unwilling."

I am willing, Lord.
And where You find me yet unwilling Lord, change me.

Annoyingly transparent?
I know, I should blog this kind of stuff.
I think I'm beginning to see how this may look to people... when I use this medium to go on and on like this.
Facebook has kinda been like a journal to me and I don't think it was meant for that.
I'm sorry if I have burdened anyone's newsfeed... I truly am.
I have seen the likes of me, and I don't think I like it.
It's been an easy way for me to log my walk, accountably...and for those who ask about how I'm doing to know.
So, at least for now...