I'm Not God of Myself

I was lying in bed...trying to go to sleep. But I'd had a cup of coffee a little too late. So I was awake.

And I was talking to God.

I was thanking Him for His help through the day and asking Him to bless people that were heavy on my heart and thanking Him for stuff that I haven't always thanked Him for because I've naively taken them for granted.

As I thought about how much I love Him and nestled my heart into the thought of His love for me, I found myself overwhelmed with even more love for Him.

Then an unwelcome thought came.

I thought about the present difficulties.

Perspective makes things better OR worse.
And attitude effects perspective.
And the perspective and attitude of others, which comes out in facial expressions and words, can also effect one's general feeling of well-being or dire need.

Needless to say, in the midst of my delight in the Lord, an unpleasant thought entered my mind:
(...if you'd just stop being so apathetic, and start fixing the issues God has been waiting on you to fix, He wouldn't have to keep boxing you into a corner.)

"What issues?"

Immediately, an argument of thoughts followed which ended in my being all the more joyful and at rest.

I figured I'd better put it down somewhere so I could read it in the morning when the troubles of the day lit up again... and to remind myself of why I went to sleep happy.

But first, may I just say...

I'M NOT GOD OF MYSELF!
...and I'm SO glad of it.
Man and his mistakes aren't the 'god' of my life, and that's a tremendous relief.
Satan no longer has rightful claim over me or the 'keys of death and hell'.
THESE tend to be dartboards for blame...
i.e. myself, man, or the devil.
But when I award blame to someone or something, it's really a twisted kind of credit.
And if this person or thing is who or what I credit for welding control over my circumstances, isn't that equivalent to 'lordship'... a type of 'god' figure?

Ok, this might seem meaningless, but here's how the rabbit trail in my head formed itself...

"Thank you Lord, for your protection today, and provision, and..."

(...you know, God is waiting to bless you, but you refuse to find out and DO what He demands from you BEFORE He can bless you. You're starting to sound like those people that talk all about 'love' and just live like they want and give Christ a bad name.)

"Um... No, that can't be right. I just read a verse that says,
'...This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us...'
(1 John 4:10)
God loved me FIRST... when and while I was messed up.
HE has been changing and continues to change my heart, not my own strength of mind or will toward any holier or more righteous-looking behavior.

Praise God for that!
Because no one can come to the Father unless the Father draws him (John 6:44).
AND I don't have anything on my conscience that I've intentionally done wrong, so I'm ENJOYING thinking about God's love for me.
(1 John 3:21)

Besides, even if there IS something I'm doing or have done wrong, God WILL show it to me or convince me to do differently... because, a long time ago, I gave Him the permission to do that.

AND, if He gave Himself as barter for my ransom WHILE I was messed up and doing 'life' wrong, and with a bad attitude, why would He suddenly ignore me or punish me for areas my blind eyes don't see or understand WHILE I'm loving Him and thanking Him for stuff?
No. It doesn't make much sense.

I think He'd rather me love on Him than try to figure out stuff or analyze myself.

Besides, He's able to turn the heart of a king (Proverbs 21:1)... He can turn my heart!
I've told Him He could."

(...but what if He's been trying and you're just not listening?)

"Well... I just refuse to focus on anything other than Him.
I've been there... done that... and don't EVER want to pick up again the mental weight I once carried. God INHABITS the praises of His people. So I'm just going to keep on praising Him."

(...but you're intentionally shutting down your mind.)

"No. I'm not. I'm praising Him."

(...but your circumstances ARE dark.)

"But the Spirit of God brooded over the waters and spoke into the darkness, and there was light (Genesis 1:1-4).
God can speak into MY darkness at anytime HE chooses and there WILL be light."

(...what if the dark circumstances are your husband's fault?)

"Wait a minute.
Where did that come from?
Who's GOD of me and alters my 'universe'?
I AM blessed.
I was just praising God for all kinds of stuff.
Thinking that my husband or me or anyone else is effecting the circumstances of my life right now is equivalent to making myself or them my 'god'."

(...it's called 'consequences'.
There are consequences for sin... this inevitably results in suffering... and innocent people often get caught in the crossfire of 'consequences'.)

"Ok.
Um.
Not entirely correct.
There ARE consequences for sin. But my circumstances are orchestrated by God because I'm a yielded vessel to Him.
Choosing NOT to do something is still a CHOICE.
If God CHOOSES not to bless me in this or that... or protect me from the natural consequences of a decaying world... or shield me from someone's consequences... it is STILL His choice. And I'm Ok with anything and everything HE chooses because it IS good (Romans 8:28)...
HE says so!

(...but you could DO so much more and have blessing so much faster if you didn't stubbornly refuse to engage your brain anymore.)

"Um.
No again.
A woman engaging her brain is what started all the trouble for mankind.

GOD IS GOD AND I AM NOT!

Little old me isn't worth diddly 'trying hard' at anything except loving God and other people with every fiber of my being... and enjoying it!

Moses was adopted to a priveleged life of ease and God patiently took 40 years to prepare him for a face to face relationship of glory.

Joseph found himself in a birth order and family position with God-given dreams that led to his brothers despising him. He went through years of unfair existence AND prison... 'consequences' of another's sin... before God provided a way out to enjoyment and even vindication.
It's all about God's timing, not OUR doing.
Joseph even begged someone to bring attention to his case and the guy forgot.
When the time was right, GOD brought the matter to a close.

Job was a righteous man and found himself in dark circumstances with no heavenly inspiration.
And no amount of anything changed his situation.
But Job received healed while praying for his friends, not after he'd psycho-analyzed himself and the possible causes for his misfortunes.
In fact, God rebuked the 'friends' who came up with reasons for his sufferings and suggestions that he focus on his unworthiness and sin.

And how about Jonah?
He deliberately said 'no' to God AND ran in the opposite direction from a command he INTENTIONALLY disobeyed, and YET God held him tight three days and then set him back on his feet again to give him another shot at obedience.

God says,
'For I will not contend forever, neither will I be angry always, for [if I did stay angry] the spirit [of man] would faint and be consumed before Me, and [My purpose in] creating the souls of men would be frustrated.'
(Isaiah 57:16)

God says,
'Be still, and know that I am God.'
(Psalm 46:10)

So I CHOOSE that my mind will be STILL... even now!

Besides, Jesus told his disciples a story for the sole purpose of helping them NOT be discouraged or give up.
'...to the effect that they ought always to pray and not to a turn coward (faint, lose heart, and give up)...'
(Luke 18:1)

And very next recorded story Jesus told was for,
'...some people who trusted in themselves and were confident that they were righteous [that they were upright and in right standing with God] and scorned and made nothing of all the rest of men.'
(Luke 18:9)
I don't want to be like that again!

Don't misunderstand me.
I am NOT endorsing sin.
I am NOT condoning the 'love' movement of today's mega-church which permits continuing in known sin.
Satan has always counterfeited the good things of God.
God DID start a love movement.
BUT it looks like everything Jesus Christ was and did and said.

And, as if God's demonstration of love for Jonah is not enough, Jesus demonstrated it to Peter. God not only knew Peter's failures before he had actually committed them, Jesus TOLD Peter what mistake he was about to make and he STILL failed!
But Jesus sought Peter out... filled his belly with a yummy breakfast... and THEN had a heart-to-heart with him until Peter FINALLY got it.

So.
There it is.
I'm happy.
My every intention is to please God and run from what displeases Him.
There's nothing I have to 'prove' and I already feel undeservedly overpriveleged.
So if God shows me where He has said one thing and I've done another, I'll just tell Him I'm sorry and I'll stop doing it.
Or if He shows me something I should do and haven't, I'll just start doing it.
And if it's something I don't want to do, I'll ask Him to change my mind about it.
I'm sure He will... because I love Him.
He loved me first, so I seriously doubt He'd stop pursuing me.

But now the coffee is losing its effect on me.
I'm going to bed with a clear conscience... talking to my Lord... a smile on my face... with joy in my heart... and gratefulness in my thoughts.

Circumstances are just that... circumstantial.